Looney Massage Laws by Robert W. Pelton
Judge Roy Bean, the cantankerous hangin’ judge of the Old West, was fond of telling the story of a smart alecky young attorney who found himself pleading a case in the small Texas town of Sweetwater. After the lawyer’s long and learned peroration, Judge Bean swept the counsel’s arguments aside with a peremptory wave of his hand. “What you say may be in all them law books, all right,” said Bean, “But it sure ain’t the law of Sweetwater. Most towns in the United States harbor something akin to “the law of Sweetwater” in their statute books. Some bizarre piece of legislation always seems to bear out Charles Dickens’ observation: “The law is an ass, an idiot” A great many of these laws have been aimed specifically at the massage profession. No one knows how they got there. Certainly no one within living memory has been arrested on these charges. But they are eloquent testimonies to some poor judge’s exasperation at having to wade through a daily judicial system dictated by the law of precedents. No precedents existed. How else can we account for the origins of a law on the books, for example, making it illegal for a woman attired in a nightgown to give a massage? Or the fact that in one community it’s against the law for a women to give massage on the Sabbath? Whenever you’re inclined to say, “there ought to be a law,” consider that there probably already is one, somewhere.
For example, an old Dyersburg, Tennessee, ordinance won’t allow anyone to massage another person on a city sidewalk. Why? Such antics might frighten the local horses!
Massage-related clothing laws as well as those dealing with women were passed by men who were prejudicial in their thinking toward what was then considered “the weaker sex”.
Hence, we find laws governing the wearing of corsets, nightgowns, shoes, and hats.
For example, doctors in Roanoke, Virginia, have a special responsibility. A piece of loony legislation says every women “must be found wearing a corset” when giving a massage. A physician is required to inspect each female in this situation.
Massage-related Sunday laws were written and passed with the intent of keeping the Sabbath holy.
The church had enormous influence on laws pertaining to a multitude of oddball things.
For example, let’s hope that thirst doesn’t become a major problem if you're giving a massage in Clearbrook, Minnesota.
It’s illegal for a person giving a massage to take a drink of any alcoholic beverage on the Sabbath.
Local officials who wrote some of these old massage-related laws appear to have acted for no greater purpose than a good belly laugh. See if you don’t agree after perusing this piece of legislation from Lexington, Kentucky: “No female shall appear in a bikini while giving a massage in this city unless she be escorted by at least two police officers or unless she be armed with a club.” This amendment was soon added: “The provision of this statute shall not apply to females
weighing less than 90 lbs. nor exceeding 200 lbs. nor shall apply to female horses.”
There’s a strange law on the books in Hickory Ridge, Arkansas. No female wearing a nightgown can be caught giving a massage after the sun goes down! Fairplay, Colorado, has a unique barefoot ordinance. No one can ever
give a massage while barefoot. That must altogether rule out the practice of barefoot Shiatsu!
Women who happen to be single, widowed or divorced are prohibited
from giving or getting a massage on Sunday in Winner, South Dakota.
Enjoy giving massages while wearing fashionable high heels? Be careful in Burdoville, Vermont. There’s a special law regulating the heel length of a masseuse’s shoes. They can measure no taller than one and a half inches.
It is illegal for a person to fall asleep while giving a massage in Bicknell, Indiana. Nor can people in Old Furnace, Massachusetts, be heard whistling while giving a massage on the Sabbath!
No one in Roseville, Michigan, is allowed to read a newspaper while getting a massage.
Like a chew of Tobacco now and then? be careful when in Harrisburg, Illinois.
One old law prohibits a man or woman from chewing tobacco while giving a massage.
Be on guard when in Gastonia, North Carolina, giving a massage. An old piece of legislation says that
no man while giving massage “can place his arm around a woman without a good and lawful reason.”
According to the law in Attica, Iowa, no person giving a massage “shall hallo, shout, bawl, scream, use profane language, dance, sing, whoop, quarrel or make any unusual noise or sound
in any house in such manner as to disturb the peace and quiet of the neighborhood.
It’s illegal in Indian Springs, Nevada, for anyone to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while giving a massage. There’s even an antique fashion law from Wellsboro, Pennsylvania. Any person who wears, while giving a massage, “any device or thing attached to his head, hair, headgear, or hat, which device or thing is capable of lacerating the flesh of any other person with whom it may come in contact and which is not sufficiently guarded against the possibility of so doing,
shall be adjudged as a disorderly person.”
It is against the law for a married man to give massages alone on Sunday in Gladstone, New Mexico. Nor can a husband in Kennonsburg, Ohio, get a massage without his spouse along at anytime unless he’s been married more than a year.
And in Forestdale, Rhode Island, people aren’t allowed to give a massage within four hours after having eaten garlic!
It’s against the law in Winchester, Tennessee, to tickle a girl under her chin
with a feather duster in order to get her attention while she’s giving a massage.
Mustache-wearing masseurs, stay out of Rhinelander, Wisconsin. The law bans masseurs with hair growing
over their upper lip from massaging a female unless a special license fee is first paid.
Page, Nebraska, has an old “bean snapper” law. City Ordinance 349 declares: “Any person who shall use or carry concealed or unconcealed, any bean snapper or like article” while getting a massage, “ shall, upon conviction, be fined.”
It’s illegal to eat “unshelled roasted peanuts” while giving a massage in Wheeler, Mississippi.
Weigh over 200 lbs.? Like to wear shorts? Work as a masseuse? If these questions apply, then beware of Headland, Alabama. It’s a violation of the law for a woman who weighs over 200 lbs to give a massage while wearing shorts.
Try to stay away from Constantia, New York, if you’re a masseuse, work at night and enjoy coffee. Under no circumstances are massaging woman allowed to have a delicious cup of the favored brew after 6 p.m.
Wolf Point, Montana, has an ordinance against kisses while
giving or getting a massage, which last “longer than three minutes”
Stay away from Sparr, Florida, when giving a massage while wearing pants with hip pockets.
Why? Because a hip pocket is considered to be the perfect place to hide a pint of liquor!
Lastly, don’t gargle or burp while giving a massage in Peewee, West Virginia! Such activities are strictly prohibited.
These are merely a few of the situations covered by ludicrous massage-related laws throughout the U.S. Most of these decrees were written and then quickly forgotten with the swift passage of time. Clergyman Henry Ward Beecher aptly summed up his view on the art of lawmaking: “We bury men when they are dead, but we try to embalm the dead body of laws, keeping the corpse in sight long after the vitality has gone. It usually takes a hundred years to make a law” and then, after the law has done its work, it usually takes another 100 years to get rid of it” But, despite everything, it’s really not so bad these days. Back in Colonial times, a person would have had their tongue bored through with a hot iron for cursing God in Massachusetts. A second offence brought a brand on the forehead with the letter “B”. Third offenders were automatically sentenced to death!